First Post

Holiday Diary

Huge chances are you are here because of a threesome. That's fine. I would do the same too.

Okay. We will get to that part later.

First, what normally comes to your mind when, on a plane, you are finally cruising at an "altitude of something something something" you're warned of before take-off - You are high up there, and whatever happens until you land remains a subject of inshallah?

Well, I normally think about highlights from recent events. We are high up in the sky, so let's do some highlights. This explains why 50 percent of this article was written while on my flight back to Abuja.

Akanu Ibiam to Nnamdi Azikiwe is barely 40 minutes, and I thought time enough to do a Nollywood style flashback to what marked the highlight of my Christmas holiday in the East. 

Okay. At this point you probably want to skim through this drivel I'm writing to get to the part where there's a threesome. But if you played that card, you would most certainly miss it. So you are going to have to read the entire thing my friend or you forgeraborrit. You have no choice. 

Speaking of choices, you may be left with none but you're certainly not alone. One of my kinsmen "has no choice" as well. He has no choice but to marry a wife before April this year. This was a resolution from our "Umunna meeting."

Yes! Finally, I attended my first "Umunna meeting" on Jan 2.  Congratulations to me. It was a wonderful experience. But I'm not too sure this my kinsman would have come away with the same review. Let's call this my kinsman J.

J was mandated to marry on or before April 2022. That's a 4-month notice. 

"If you don't return here with a wife by April, you will see what we will do to you"

The oldest of our kinsmen issued this ultimatum to J. This old man - who should be in his 90s - did inform the Umunna he had presented 3 different women to J for consideration in the last 365 days and he (J) rejected all. 

Oldman obviously could not take it anymore. Can you blame him?

J, oya, defend yourself:

"By God's grace this year" 

This one is not even listening. They said April and you saying by God's grace. 

I'm going to leave out a lot of details but J was never going to win his case anyway. I knew it. Think about J versus Umunna as Eibar versus Real Madrid (before bet9ja got involved). It was going to require an upset. 

As the whole marriage debate raged on, two voices in my head; one, "put mouth for this matter" the other, "no put mouth o." I wasn't sure which voice to obey but was pretty sure it won't be long until attention is switched to my humble self. 

Of course "Umunna" has everyone's data - and if you query the database regarding my marital status, it will return "single."

One or two more conditions to the query and you'd get "single & not searching." Now, you gerrit?

Well, I did intervene. My final decision. 

"So why does this our brother have to marry by fire by force?" 

Elder 1: because he has come of age

Elder 2: because somebody birthed him, he must produce another. 

Elder 3: because he's the only son

Elder 4, 5, 6......to 100 said pretty much the same as the 3 above, none of which is logical for "by force marriage."

But like my friend Obinna would say to me the following morning when I gave him the gist - whenever you think you are the overall best in social change activism, go and convince your Umunna on one thing - anything Umunna says, stays.

As for our dear brother, fingers are crossed. Good luck to him. Although not going to lie, a part of me also wants him to miss the April deadline. I like to witness what is known to Internet Nigerians as 'vawulence.'

The next case that was brought before us was - to put it mildly - wild. It deserves an article of its own. 

But to give you a summary. Another character was accused by his wife of negligence. 

"He only gave me money twice in the whole of 2021," said his wife.

Man, in the middle of Umunna panel started soliciting funds for a second wife. We would later discover that the incoming wife was not, in fact, incoming. She had already moved in. Just that he has not done "small thing" on her head.

At this point, I think it's rather looking obvious you are never going to read about threesome here. Are you? 

I know. I'm a wicked person. But before you go, abeg subscribe to my substack. 

I will be writing stuff and posting here a lot this year. Who knows, you might just read about threesomes someday.

Be sure to leave a comment down below; let me know how disappointed you felt reading this. Happy New Year

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